Backstage Performances of Ranma: Volume One
by Ambezua
Summary: The Appendix of "Ukyo: Okonomiyaki is not Enough!" including the uncensored opinions of the cast themselves on the subject material... as well as a healthy dose of randomness... Has been known to cause pain in readers... You have been warned.
1. Hello, Everyone!

Document One... Hello, Everyone!

NOTE: The following is a highly-classified transcript from the "Ukyo: Okonomiyaki is not Enough!" staff... Do not release this document to the general public, as it contains information that is delicate in nature and may pose a danger to all those who come in contact with it... You have been warned.

The Strange and Undocumented Backstage Performances of Ranma: Volume One

Ambezua: Hello, everyone... I am Ambezua, if my name-tag didn't already give it away... I'm the director/author of "Ukyo: Okonomiyaki is not Enough!" and I am here with the rest of the cast to relax, discuss the previous chapters, and generally have a good time until the next scene. Hello, everyone... and welcome to "Ukyo: Okonomiyaki is not enough!"

Ranma: (Yawn) Yeah, yeah yeah... What's the point of all this wishy-washy stuff?

Gelidus: And what's up with this stupid "Name: Text" format?!? I don't think we need to start off each line that way.

Ambezua: No?

Gelidus: It would be better if it was like this: "Ambezua blinked, then asked, 'no?' "

Ambezua: It would be of a different style from my other stories... but fine...

"I'm just saying, it would look less comic book-like," continues Gelidus.

Ambezua: But, that's the point!

"Um... this is a fan fiction, not a comic, plus this is different style from the rest of the episode, so it would be just as easy to tell it apart," counters Gelidus.

Ambezua: Whateva... some people have no class...

Looking behind him, Gelidus shouts, "That means you, Kuno!

Nabiki: Yes, Kuno-baby... we were all thinking of you...

Kuno: Finally... someone has realized the true acting genius of the great Tatewaki Kuno!

Ambezua: Anyway... so, how does everyone like how the story is going so far?

Kasumi: I like it! I didn't know Ukyo and Ranma used to play tag together... (Remembers flashbacks) Weren't they so cute as kids?

Nabiki: Sure, sis... real cute...

Kasumi: Akane, you and Ranma are such good friends, why don't you two play tag?

Akane: O_O

Ranma: We do... with a mallet in Akane's hands...

Kasumi: Oh, I see... How nice!

Nabiki: Sis... I think you have officially lost it...

Akane: No, no, no! You have it all wrong! I'm not flirting with Ranma when I hit him! I'm actually trying to hurt him!

Nabiki: Keep telling yourself that, sis...

Kasumi: I don't remember anyone saying that you were flirting with Ranma...

Shampoo: OOOOH, You play tag with Shampoo, ok Ranma? (Glomp)

Ranma: You gotta be kidding me...

"You guys realize you can quit acting now, right?" asks Gelidus hopefully.

Shampoo: Shampoo no acting... love for real!

Akane: (Battle aura) You thought I was acting...

Gelidus very nervously develops a sweatdrop next to his head, having previously seen the results of Akane's fury.

Akane: DIE!

"Whoa... you are A LOT scarier in person!" states Gelidus, just before realizing that Akane is actually going to hit him... Then is surprised when he barely feels the mallet touch his head. That was the most pathetic attempt to harm someone I have ever seen... I had no idea Ranma was THAT good of an actor...

Nabiki: Akane never acts, darling... She's like that way all the time. Another way Akane and Ranma are polar opposites.

"You mean... she acts like this all of the time? But we haven't even figured out... what... makes her to act this way!" Gelidus saves himself while developing a small sweatdrop.

Nabiki: (Sarcastically) Akane, dear, you are SO mistreated.

Ambezua: (Ignoring the chaos) Let's see... I think everyone's here... Wait, where's girl-type Ranma and the Kuno siblings?

Ranko: (Running by) OUTTA MY WAY!!!

Kuno: (Running after Ranko) Pig-tailed girl!

Ambezua: Alright... that's Kuno and Ranko...

"How on earth are both Ranma and Ranko here at the same time?!?" demands Gelidus.

Ambezua: Obviously because they are two different actors... duh...

Gelidus snaps his fingers then replies, "so THAT's why they act differently! I always wondered about that..."

Kodachi: (Evil laugh) Director, dear... I heard you didn't give me much screen time... you know how jealous I can become!

Ambezua: (Ignoring her threat) Check, that's everyone!

"Lol... you ARE good at ignoring people, aren't you?" chimes in Gelidus.

Hopposai: What a haul, what a haul! I KNEW it was a good idea to take on this job!

Ambezua: (Ignoring them as well, says to himself) Remind me to pay him in panties...

Genma: HA! got you, Tendo... (Places Shogi piece)

Soun: "Not so fast! (Places piece)

Genma: Hey look, Tendo... The next scene is starting! (Eats piece)

"Some people are so predictable," remarks Gelidus, half to himself.

Tendo: You don't say... Hey!

Genma: Whft? (Crunch, crunch)

Ranma: (Splashes Genma with water, and he turns into a panda) Alright, fun time's over pops!

Ambezua: (At Genma's turning into his curse form) Unreal... you mean...

Genma: (On sign) I don't wanna talk about it...

"Just out of curiosity... do Shogi pieces taste any good?" inquires Gelidus.

Genma: (On sign) Well, actually, they DO have a crunchy, sort of texture (flip) with a bit of wood-stain taste too (flip) Much better than Akane's cooking, by any standards!

Soun: Saotome!

Akane: (Pops vein) Why you...

Gelidus remembers back to what Genma said when he first tasted Akane's cooking, "How was I suppose to know she was THAT bad at cooking!?! It's inhuman I tell you!" Snapping back to reality, Gelidus asks, "well, is that everyone?"

Ambezua: If I wanted EVERYONE, then I would want "Evil Shampoo" as well, but she doesn't need to be here right now...

"EVIL Shampoo??" questions Gelidus.

Ambezua: Yeah, you know, the one from the Reversal Jewel?

"Lol... she's the same person," chuckles Gelidus. "Shampoo just have bad day," he says while imitating Shampoo's voice.

Ambezua: Lol... I suppose so... just don't do that again, ok?

Shampoo: What taking about? Shampoo having very good day! (Glomps Ranma again and strokes her head on his chest)

Ranma: Gee... I tell ya... either she is on or she's off...

Akane: (Clenches fist) Ranma...

Just before Akane takes out Ranma, Gelidus chimes in, "I know the perfect song for this!" Then he plays "Hot 'n Cold" by Katy Perry from his iPod on the loud speakers.


	2. Mission: Ranma

Document two... Mission: Ranma

NOTE: This document is classified as having caused side-aches, side pains, broken chairs, and loud outbursts in those foolish enough to read the contained information. It has also been carefully refurbished from an older copy that appeared to have been first burned, then blended, then chemically altered, then... finally... gathered together and buried at an approximate depth of twenty feet. Apparently, the information that has been gathered is of a delicate nature... You have been warned.

Ukyo (in black outfit, and Mission Impossible Music plays in the background): Ok, Ranma... This is going to happen, one way or another...

Ranma: Eh... Yo...

Genma: Look at that, Akane... he forgot what he was going to say....

Akane/Shampoo: (Roll eyes)

Gelidus laughs out loud before remarking, "they both rolled their eyes!"

Ambezua: Hm... Ryoga's going to be needed again in the next few scenes. Where is he anyway?

Akane: He got lost on the way to the bathroom... again...

Ryoga: (SMASH) NOW where am I?

Nabiki: Well, what'dya know.. speaking of the directionally-challenged devil...

Kasumi: Oh my... that hole will take a while to fix, won't it?

Ranma: More like P-chan... "P" for perverted...

Ryoga: You're one to talk, Ranma! (pointing at Shampoo)

Ranma: (Jumping away from Shampoo) OOPS... almost forgot...

Ukyo/Akane/Shampoo: (Sigh)

Ranma: (To Ryoga) at least I'm not some widdle piggy who sleeps with Akane and rubs his face in her chest every chance he gets!

Akane: (Shiver) Don't remind me... I can't believe that they talked me into that...

Nabiki: "The things we do for cash..." (sings to the tune of "the things we do for love")

Kuno (in whisper): Come Sasuke, now is our chance to rescue the fair Akane Tendo from the grasp of that villainous Ranma!

Sasuke: Right away master Kuno... initiating Maiden Liberation! Now for my Super Secret Spy Special Attack: Hands That Are Not Seen!

(Sasuke quickly sneaks up behind Akane and grabs her)

Akane: Hey! What are you doing???

Kuno (taking her hand): Patience, my love... we must make haste, else we will but escape the fire to fall into the frying pan!

Sasuke: Here master, allow me to assist you! (Raises hands)

Kuno: No Sasuke! (Gets hit by Sasuke's web attack)

Akane (walking away): Idiots...

Sasuke: Master Kuno, looks like our plan was foiled again... oh, well...

Kuno (slightly muffled): Don't just stand there! Untie me!

[On the other side of the studio]

Happosai: Hold it, everyone! I have here in my hands the most dangerous invention known to man... one that makes no panty beyond my reach... the Happo-Panty-Snatcher! In seconds, I can snatch any article of women's undergarments within a range of twenty meters!

Ranma: Get real, old freak... if you had something like that, you would've used it already... why are you telling us about it?

Happosai: Because, Ranma, I am giving all of these pretty ladies the chance to willing hand 'em over... before I take them by force! (Grins evilly)

Akane (walking up): You pervert!

Shampoo: Wouldn't dare!

Kasumi (blushing): Oh my!

Nabiki: What do I get in return?

Ukyo (reaching for spatula): Why you...

Ranma: I think you're bluffing!

Girls (in unison): YOU stay out of this!

Happosai: Come on pretties, I haven't got all day...

Ranma: They aren't going to give them to you, so you might as well use it already...

Girls: RANMA!!!

Happosai: But... I don't wanna...

Girls: You mean he... DOESN'T HAVE IT?!? Get him!!! (Surround and beat up Happosai)

Happosai: You are going to pay for this Ranma! Oh... Ouch... Ooph... That hurts! Ah... Argh...

[Meanwhile, a short distance away...]

Kuno: Sasuke... were you ALWAYS this incompetent?

Sasuke: Ah, master Kuno, my missions didn't always end like this. Once, I was sent on an assignment to retrieve a very important package.

[People start gathering]

Kasumi: How interesting!

Sasuke: It was guarded by thousands of enemy agents.

Ranma (whispers to self): Thousands... right...

Sasuke: I deftly weaved my way through until I was at arm's reach from the object of my mission.

Shampoo (quietly): Like Shampoo from Ranma... (Inches closer to Ranma)

Sasuke: Then, I was spotted and they closed in on me. They were all around me, circling me, like vultures, waiting for the right moment to strike. I showed neither fear nor confidence.

Miss Hinako: So brave!

Sasuke: Then, suddenly, and without warning...

Kuno: Tell me, Sasuke, what happened then?

Sasuke: ...they got bored and went away...

Everyone listening: (Severe face-faults)

Ranma: Well... THAT was a let down...

Genma: YOU'RE one to talk, boy! You left your own fiancée to fend for herself! Be a man and- (Ranma swings kick at Genma) How dare you interrupt your father! See here boy, this is for your own good!

Ranma: How... how did you dodge that?

[Another Genma enters]

Genma #2: I can't even leave for five minutes before somebody tries to replace me!

Genma #1: Who are you calling a replacement? I'm the real Genma!

Genma #2: No, I am!

Nabiki: Seriously, who would want to be Mr. Saotome...

Soun: Nabiki, don't you know how good of a friend Saotome has been to me?

[Several Federal Agents walk into the studio]

Federal Agent (to Soun): Mr. Tendo? I am Agent Smith, this is Agent Anderson... we are here to ask your friend Mr. Genma Saotome a couple questions.

Soun: Oh... I see... well, he's over there... (points) ...both of them...

Agent Smith: Hmm...

[Meanwhile]

Genma #2: I can prove I'm the real Genma!

Genma #1: You can't prove something that isn't true!

Genma #2: Oh yeah? Did YOU take Ranma from his mother? Did YOU force him to go on a trip to China to train and made him to swim all the way from Japan to China because you wouldn't pay for a plane ticket? Did YOU Ranma to countless girls so you could take their dowry for yourself? Did YOU steal women's undergarments with Happosai? Did YOU take advantage of women who were awed by your martial artist skills?

Genma #1: ...

Genma #2: I didn't think so... that's because I DID!

Agent Anderson (takes Genma by the arm): Sir, you need to come with us.

Genma #2: But... but... why? I don't even know you guys!

Agent Smith: Mr. Genma Saotome... you are under arrest for accusations of theft, child abuse, sexual assault, property damage, invasion of privacy, and evasion of arrest.

Genma #2: Wait, this is a misunderstanding! I'm not REALLY Genma Saotome... there's no way the REAL Genma would allow himself to be caught so easily!

Ranma (while watching Genma be hauled away): Well, guess that was Pops all along... But then, who is this!?!

Genma #1: Why silly, it's me of course! (Takes off disguise)

Akane/Ranma: Ukyo!!!

Ukyo: I'm sorry for my deception, but I was only trying to protect you, Ranchan. If you want, we can go somewhere so you can tell me how displeased you are with me in private...

Akane: NOT so fast! He's coming with me so I can tell him how displeased with him I am!

Ranma: Wait a minute! Who said I wanted to go with either of you two?

Shampoo: Ranma finally admit he love Shampoo! (Glomps)

Mousse (in blind rage): Stop right there, Ranma Saotome! (Holds up stick of gum) Pink touches blue! (Touches the two sides together) BOOM!!! [Nothing happens] What?!? I don't understand!

Shampoo: Stupid Mousse! Suppose to CHEW!

Mousse: Oh... of course! (Chews)

Instantly, fire erupts out of Mousse's mouth, then burns out in a couple seconds.

Soun (in announcer voice): Did you see that? The legendary fire-breathing Mousse!

Kasumi: Mousse... are you alright?

Mousse (in smokey whisper): My mouth... so dry... (Collapses)

Akane (goes to Mousse's aid): Are you alright, Mousse?

Ukyo: Come on, Ranma! (Pulls into a phone booth)

Ranma: Ukyo... what are you doing???

Ukyo (brushes back hair and flutters eyelashes): Aren't you going to tell me how angry you are with me?

Ranma: But Ukyo... I'm not mad at you.

Ukyo: Oh, Ranma-Honey! You are SO forgiving... how can I ever repay you? (Pulls Ranma closer and goes for a kiss)

[Phone in nearby phone booth rings]

Ukyo: Drat! Just a moment Ranchan! (Leaves and goes into other phone booth to answer the phone)

Ranma: Whew... that was close. Hey... why did Ukyo...?

Nabiki (observing this from a distance with a camcorder): That's odd... only... OH! Now it all makes sense...

[At this point Ukyo picks up the other phone, upon which the entire phone booth explodes]

Ukyo (weakly): Pauh... (falls over)

Nabiki (to self): Typical.

Ranma (still in the other phone booth): I wonder what that sound was...

Akane (entering): I'm back, Ranma!

Ranma: Oh, hey. Wait... about what you were saying and doing before... you were just kidding, right?

Akane: Kidding about what, silly? Now where were we? Oh, yeah... (Leans toward Ranma)

Ranma: A-Akane! Wait... where did Ukyo go! More importantly... wait a minute! Akane would never...!

Akane: Oh? But... (takes off disguise) Shampoo would! (Leans on Ranma)

Shampoo: You comfortable, Ranma?

Ranma: Eh...

[Outside the phone booth]

Nabiki: Ukyo... you can drop the act now... I know you are really Akane. No one else has such stupid conditioning that they HAVE to pick up a phone if it rings! [No response] Huh, Akane? (Runs over to her)

Shampoo: Ayah! Plan no work! (Takes off disguise)

Soun: Oh, did you look like Shampoo the entire time, Ukyo?

Ukyo: Yeah... guess THAT plan backfired too...

Soun: You were very good! You had me fooled.

Kuno: I saw through the whole thing!

Sasuke: Wait... who was who?

Soun (in announcer voice): Ukyo disguised herself as Shampoo, Akane disguised herself as Ukyo, and Shampoo disguised herself as both Akane and Genma! They should have made a movie with something like this in it!

Kasumi: Poor father! Always the last to know...

[Inside the phone booth]

Ranma: Hey, Shampoo... whatcha doin'?

Shampoo: You thank Shampoo later... wo-ah-ni! (Locks doors)

Ranma: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! Somebody help me!!!!!! (Telephone booth shakes violently)

[Outside]

Kasumi: (Blushing, covering ears, and turning away): Oh my, oh dear, my goodness...

Nabiki (looking through camcorder's viewfinder): Oh, this is getting good... wow...

[The camera zooms out quickly, followed by Ranma's resonant screams...]

Ambezua: Ok... that's all we have time for today! Please tune-in next time for... Lunch-Break with Ranma! Until next time...


End file.
